Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
