I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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