I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
