Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
