My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
