I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
