i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
