you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
