Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
ttyl tear gas
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
