Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This baby is an asshole
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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