Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
