yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
