I puked a lego.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
