i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
