Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
