How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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