Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize