One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
