This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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