dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
