My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
