Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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