She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
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um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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