new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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