Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
