No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
