I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
