so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
