sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
