First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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