she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
