Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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