I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
