If i come over, it means nothing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
