he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
