Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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