3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
