I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
