Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ladies don't puke and tell
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
