riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
