yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
