He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
