I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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