Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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