i just google imaged poop.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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