dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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