I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You took a bar mat shot.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
