The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
