Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
