Someone shit on the floor
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
