I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
