i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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