I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
