Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
