So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
