If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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