im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
