Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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